Trying to look past Rachel Berry
by Talulasaurus
Summary: Quinn is struggling to understand her feelings; this love she feels for Rachel Berry. So when Blaine gives her a refuge she surprises herself in getting even more tangled in her web of emotion. Alternative endings.
1. Realizations and heart ache

Quinn finally let's herself be in love with Rachel. It's the end of one battle and the start of a whole new one.

_Disclaimer: I do not own any of the charters or of course Glee itself, I'm no Ryan Murphy._

I don't know what had possessed me throughout high school prior to this moment, well actually yes, yes I do. Denial. Somehow I thought rude remarks and hate could cover up, what in essence is love. Have I not been through enough? Was pregnancy not enough of a punishment, is someone out there not satisfied with my level of sadness. But at the same time maybe, maybe just, this is the cure. A cure to the sadness and isolation, if only I could get past the guilt I feel every time I think about her, or that feeling like someone's made me swallow a huge weight and it's just sitting in my stomach un-digestible, every time I see her bounce her way into the room. Like sunshine or a lone star in a gloomy night's sky. Because she is a star, everyone knows it. I just wish she could be my star, lead me out of this darkness into her warm loving embrace. But then again maybe I'm just getting carried away. She could never love me, I'm a girl. So just shut up Quinn, stop teasing yourself, she'll never want you, me. But I vow from this moment on I won't hurt her again. How could I do that to her? Taking it out on her for not loving me, when really it's my fault, I'm the lesbian. Why did it have to take this long for me to see? Blaine and Kurt… Beautiful, we could be like that. I could be on the other side of the table with her, our body language mimicking theirs. She would never have to sit on a bench alone again. The way they gently touch shoulders, fingers, feet: always keeping body contact. I am so jealous.

Standing in this damn line is so frustrating, standing in the same room as her. But I can't make myself leave, can't stop myself thinking about something to do with her like how cute her relationship with Kurt is, in anything to do with music they're arch enemies but when it comes to a coffee house? Well let's just say he's making her smile way more than I'd dare even dream of being able to do, for fear of being driven insane by vain hope.

"Excuse me mam? Mam?" the boy in behind the counter broke my beautiful thoughts, making me feel stupidly bitter. I briefly wondered how long he'd been waiting before hurriedly stepping forward and ordering.

As I scanned the room for an empty table, preferably one with no view of Rachel, oh who am I kidding? Preferably with a view of Rachel, Kurt caught my attention. Signalling me to join them, also grabbing Blaine and Rachel's attention. She turned to look at me as I hesitantly started making my way over, making me have to catch my breath. Dear God how does she do that?

"Hi! Why don't you join the gang?"

Seriously Kurt is the sweetest person, unless you count Blaine. Blaine, well let's just say if I weren't a lesbian I'd be all over that, and well if he wasn't gay. Wow since when have I been stating the fact I'm a lesbian? It's so liberating! I'd be normal if I'd just fancy Blaine instead.

I gently slid in to the only available seat, the one next to Rachel, all the while trying not to relate this to my earlier inner-ramblings especially as her elbow brushed mine.

"Hi guys, fancy seeing you here." Could I not have come up with something better? Maybe even something funny that would have impressed her. I dragged myself back in to reality and tried to focus on small talk, though apparently Kurt and Rachel were already in a full blown debate over some musical or other. Now don't get me wrong I love musicals but on this occasion I'd rather sit sipping my tea watching Rachel's dramatic facial expressions. Before I let myself look to obsessed I decided I had to look away from her passionate face and words about the musical 'Cats', my gaze fell on Blaine who was actually mimicking me; the way he watched Kurt so intensely must have been how I had looked not to mention the moment he broke his gaze away and caught my eye contact. To which he mouthed the word "wow" obviously commenting on their passionate discussion, at this I had to suppress a laugh. We soon slipped back into our silent watching and before long Kurt abruptly stood up.

"Well I know how much the two of you will miss us, but me and Rachel had actually planned a sing off so we really should get going"

"Yes we've taken winning solo's into our own hands recently, we figure as long as we judge honestly we'll do a better job than Mr Schuester at picking"

I stood to let Rachel out and as she passed me her whole body length brushed against me sending a shiver up my back, and with that they were gone. I sat back down still reeling at that last contact, it must have been written all over my face because when I looked across at Blaine he had a smirk on his face.

"I may just be being presumptuous here, and I'm truly sorry if I'm wrong but you like her don't you?"

"Well of course, I mean I have to with her being in Glee and all, well I mean yes we've not always seen eye to eye but its only proper that I…"

"I'm sorry I phrased that wrongly, I meant love."

Was it that obvious? This should crush me seriously I've lost everything before I can't go through that again, but instead it was weirdly relieving…

"Yes, I guess I am. I mean I know I am. Depressing eh?"

"Not depressing, beautiful."

"But she's not a lesbian"

"How I see it is that you fall in love with the person, not the gender."

That sentence changed everything for me, my whole perspective. It gave me hope. Just a little tiny sentence did all that.

"Thank you."

After a moment of silent thought I continued with;

"So I might not a lesbian, and you're not really gay?"

"its how you feel Quinn, not what you call yourself. But no, I am most definitely gay."

"Did you help Kurt through this to? He's never seemed so sure of himself"

"I guess so… I like to think of myself as a mother, a motherly figure that is."

"What the mother of all gays?"

And with that we fell into a laughing fit. It felt so nice to be completely open with someone, so doubtless. Kurt is one lucky guy.


	2. Misunderstandings and inevitability

I was walking mindlessly down the busy high street just for something to do, I'd been sat cooped up in my room all morning letting it consume me. I had to do something about these feelings, as unrequited as they may be. But every time I let myself even think of us it hit me like icy water, better yet like a slushie in the face. I had hurt her so many times, letting my self-hate overflow onto her sweet fragile self. What kind of monster am I? I looked up, surrounded by strangers and started to feel idiotic, what was I doing?

"Quinn! Hi"

None less than Finn came rushing towards me, great.

"Hi Finn, how're you?"

I said in what I hoped sounded like an enthusiastic tone, and then I saw a little hand holding his, it dawned on me who he was dragging behind him towards me. And something snapped. They stopped in front of me, the picture of happiness. Why should he get to hold her hand? When I can't even smile at her without her being suspicious half the time, everyone seemed to have a connection to Rachel, everyone but me.

Her sweet voice chimed in;

"Hello Quinn."

And then I let it overflow again,

"I can't even look at you without it breaking my heart!"

I'll tell you what kind of monster I am, a spiteful, selfish terrible monster. I looked at her confused childlike face; she looked so innocent how could she possibly know what she's doing to me. How could it possibly be her fault? I rushed off letting regret seep through my veins into my aching heavy heart. What have I done? I've hurt her again; I'm not even giving her a chance to be able to love me back. She must know that I love her. She must see me watching her every beautiful move in vain. I stumbled my way off the street and into the coffee house and successfully managed to sit on the closest seat by the window and proceeded to out onto the busy street, at all the people; each with their own loves, sorrows, hate. How had I become so consumed with her? She was my life now.

"Quinn?"

I looked up and my heart gave a flutter despite myself, I watched her angelic face absorb my sorrowful state sympathetically. After a moment she perked herself on my bench and put a hand on my shoulder.

"It's Finn isn't it? I mean I understand, but really I love him to..."

Anything past the words I love him were lost to me, she loved him. I don't think her voice has ever felt less endearing to me before. I watched as her head turned to the direction of a male's figure skulking around by the entrance, and sharply looked away because seeing the silhouette of Finn Hudson was definitely not making the pressure now thrusting against my heart any less impending. I was vaguely aware of her hesitantly leaving my side to join him, obviously having given up getting a response from me. After all this time she thought I loved him? Him? She must think I'm mentally instable, I am mentally instable.

I don't know how long I had sat there nor had I noticed how drenched my face had become, until I was en-caged in a set of arms, I silently leaned into him. He held me until there were no more tears left in me, until his shirt was sodden; I was pretty sure if anyone saw him now they'd think it was raining outside. I managed to mumble out a raspy apology, and lifted my head to look into my best friends eyes.

"Don't worry I like getting wet."

Blaine's mischievous tone shocked me so hard I thought I'd topple backwards, but he kept a firm grip on my back. And somehow I managed to roar with laughter without my fragile body inwardly collapsing, burying my head into his chest.

"I was aiming for the shock technique; it made you smile didn't it?"

I don't think I could possibly have a better best friend. When I was with Blaine all other pain fell away until it was just us, being us. It was refreshing. When I was with him it felt like there was still something valuable left in my life.


	3. I'll get her somehow

As Rachel made her way through the hall, bouncing and swishing her pleated skirt my heart thrashed; resembling a humming birds wings in flight. How could she be so oblivious to the effect she has on me? I resisted my urge to run up to her and hold her hand instead I simply stood watching, merely hoping I was merging into the wall that my back was so intensely pressed against. She proceeded to swish her way out of sight around the corner; I felt the air finally leaving my lungs and watched as the corridor grew gloomier; her glowing presence fading. I watched people going about their ordinary business wondering how she had not left each of them stock still in awe, just as she had left me. I let my feet carry me around the corner desperately wanting to bask in her glow once more, needing this hollow feeling in my chest to leave me. My feet picked up their pace as I found the corridor empty, I was well and truly running as i bounded my way past the choir room only to come to an abrupt stop when I heard her beautiful melody's. I stood at the open door watching her pour her passion into the room, of course she was not alone. No of course something had to ruin this beautiful moment for me, the one thing that always got in the way like a lanky barrier: Finn Hudson. She was pouring her heart out to this brute that always managed to throw it back in her face at some point or other. I slipped my way into the room, not even breaking their concentration, of course it was inevitable they would notice me so I busied myself in a low cupboard knowing that even when they did notice me they wouldn't be fazed because of course they had such an open to the world relationship, it shouldn't be like that. They were so wrong together it should be just two people loving each other not needing to shout to the world but being content in just being, how could she not see that? I could show her; oh Rachel let me show you. It's surprising how easily I could make myself invisible. I mean before the pregnancy; gosh even through the pregnancy it seemed every eye was always on me, always scrutinising or hating. Now the only time anyone even notices my existence is to thrust slushie into my face. For once in my life I was relishing in my invisibility. I sat and listened to every non-consequential word they shared, listening to the tone of her voice, the love she was expressing and imagining she was saying it to me. Imagining she felt something for me. After I watched Finn's feet walk out of the room I lifted my head over the piano once more, Rachel was still lingering by the raised seating; after a moment of hesitation I walked over to her.

"Rachel?"

"Hmm? Oh hi Quinn…"

"I, well I want to talk to you."

She sat down and patted the seat next to her which I then sat in. She watched me try to frame my sentence in my head with a quizzical look on her beautiful face.

"About the other day, in the café—"

"Don't worry, I understand."

"You do?"

I felt the shock vibrate through my body.

"Oh course, I just think you need to distance yourself from him for a while. It'll get easier to be around him. Don't worry Quinn."

I felt a pang of disappointment.

"No, I mean you've got it all wrong!"

I could feel the words forming on the tip of my tongue, I love you Rachel. I started to splutter as she cut me off.

"But Quinn He's mine! I know it's hard for you, God knows I've felt that way too. But really we have something beautiful here, I love him and he loves me back! Can't you grasp that? I love him so much. Don't take this away from me, he's the only thing I have that you don't. He chose me! Please can't you understand that I love him? That I need him more than anyone in the world?"

I watched as she got a protective expression on her face. Their relationship isn't beautiful at all though. It's ugly! We could be so much more beautiful! We could be legendary. She was still under the impression she was in love with him. Maybe she is in love with him, that thought caught me off guard again, I can't do anything to make her love me because she's already in love with him. I ended up mumbling;

"That's still not what I meant"

"What is it Quinn?"

"It really doesn't matter now; I mean you answered my question without realising it"

I might have been saying too much but I was just so confused and dazed that I really didn't care.

"Your teasing me now Quinn, what do you mean, what was the question?"

"I, I can't Rachel I'm sorry. It would only hurt us both."

I looked down away from her confused face, it took me everything I had to walk out of the room and it was a miracle that I didn't walk into any of the furniture.

I avoided Rachel like the plague, like the most beautiful plague in history. If I saw her bouncing her way into the corridor I'd bounce my way out, though of course my version of 'bounce' looked pathetic comparatively to her light happy glow. In any classes we shared I kept my head down until the bell rang and then I ran out of that class room as though eye contact with her would kill me, no it'd do worse, it'd break my heart.

**I am writing two alternative endings one revolving more heavily around Quinn and Blaine (Who am I to have him, to read this look at my profile), the other keeping its focus more solely on Quinn's relationship with Rachel (This will continue on here). Please read one if not both and give me feedback?**

"Quinn, Quinn… wake up beautiful" Blaine's hushed tones echoed around my room drawing me in to consciousness.

"Blaine?" I attempted to say at least, though in my sleep deprived state it come out distinctly muddled.

"Is that my new nickname? 'Hi, I'm Blaine but my friends call me Blaeh'" I could hear a smile in his voice that sounded abnormally perky for this late at night, actually what time was it? I made an effort to open my eyes and with a large unflattering yawn I rolled to check my alarm clock that confirmed my suspicions; 3:25! But that wasn't the most shocking thing I discovered with my newly opened eyes, Blaine Anderson was hanging from the outside of my second floor window, now this woke me up!

"Blaine what on earth are you doing? You could fall to your death!"

With my heart beating out of my chest I flung myself out of bed stumbling over my protesting kitten Tilly and thrusted my window open.

"Couldn't you have come to the door at a decent time like a normal person?" I teased once we were both safely seated on my bed.

"What can I say? I know how to make an entrance."

"Blaine you're not freaking Edward Cullen"

"Hmm, well you do look ravishing in that T-shirt and knickers number"

"Correction, you're not even an Edward Cullen wannabe. You're a pervert who climbs into girls bedrooms at the dead of night."

"What's the difference?"

For that I aimed a whack for his arm, instead he managed to grab my arms and pull me towards him, I snuggled against him as I felt my exhaustion wash over me as my adrenaline faded out.

"Blaine?"

"Hmm?"

"Why are you here?"

'To solve all of your problems"

I tilted my head to look at his face in confusion,

"I have a plan for you to capture your true loves heart."

My playlist for this fic:

Justin Bieber, Fall

Taylor Swift, You belong with me


	4. I love you?

Blaine and Kurt had ran up behind Rachel and slipped their hands into hers, each pulling an arm forward.

"Kurt! Blaine, wah…"

But Rachel's protests were cut off as Blaine and Kurt side stepped directly in front of her, standing shoulder to shoulder they filled Rachel's whole vision.

Blaine took the first line;

Girl I've been fooled by your smile

Kurt took the second;

I was mistaken by the way you love me

On the third the boys jumped to the side revealing Daltons Warblers who burst into song, harmonizing and weaving through Blaine and Kurt's leading voices;

We let it straight for a while, yeah

But you deceived me, you convinced me yeah

So clear to me now, can't explain what you're doing to me

I did but I don't know how

It's gon' take some time

But I'll figure it out

The warblers lead Rachel towards the auditorium, dancing around her and pulling her forward.

Why should we fight the feeling

Let's just live in the moment

Though it's infatuation

I'm good with that

Rachel's smile shone as brightly as her talent as the boys lead her through the doors, I stood in the middle of the stage in a singular spotlight. My heart thudded echoing in my ears as the boys took a background harmonizing role in the song and I took over the lead;

Cause I'm in love with the thought of you

With thought of you, with thought of you

I'm in love with the thought of you

All the things you do, with thought of you

Girl, I'm in love with the thought of you, you, you

Girl, I'm in love with the thought of you, you, you

Love with the thought of you

I watchedthrough my tear blurred vision as Rachel made her way up to the stage alone untilshe was standing in front of me.

I felt victim to your style

It's so amazing, girl you're in your own league

Rather be stuck in denial, yeah

Than tryna be without you girl

I scrutinized her devastatingly beautiful face that had never before been so close to me, her lips were stretched into a smile and her own eyes filled with tears that clung to her lashes like morning dew.

So clear to me now, can't explain what you're doing to me

I did but I don't know how

It's gon' take some time

But I'll figure it out

Why should we fight the feeling

Let's just live in the moment

Though it's infatuation

I'm good with that

Cause I'm in love with the thought of you

With thought of you, with thought of you

I'm in love with the thought of you

All the things you do, with thought of you

Girl, I'm in love with the thought of you, you, you

Girl, I'm in love with the thought of you, you, you

Girl, I'm in love with the thought of you, you, you

Girl, I'm in love with the thought of you

So clear to me now, can't explain what you're doing to me

I did but I don't know how

It's gon' take some time

But I'll figure it out

Why should we fight the feeling

Let's just live in the moment

Though it's infatuation

I'm good with that

Cause I'm in love with the thought of you

With thought of you, with thought of you

I'm in love with the thought of you

All the things you do, with thought of you

You-hoo-hoo, you-hoo-hoo

Girl, I'm in love with the thought of you, you, you

Girl, I'm in love with the thought of you

You-hoo-hoo, you-hoo-hoo

I let the song fade out into silence that hung thick with emotion, shaking with fear, love and the fact that my whole world hung on this moment I stepped forward closing the gap between us and hesitantly took her hand into my own,

"It's you Rachel, it's always been you. Rachel Berry I love you."

As I spoke I felt the blockage in my throat die didn't let the tears hinder my words and filled them with truth, with my passion.

She swept in a huge breath and I watched a series of emotions flitter across Rachel's face in the following moment, shock and then happiness and thoughtfulness that turned into bewilderment finally I watched a look of sadness enter her eyes. I felt my stomach clench.

"Quinn…"

Her voice shook and faltered,

"Quinn, you're… you are, so perfect, so… this is… shock… such a shock…. So beautiful… but… so very…"

I spoke without giving myself permission to do so,

"Rachel, don't worry. You don't have to save my feelings."

She wiped her tears and stared straight into my soul, I felt very vulnerable as though she could see every thought I'd ever had through my eyes. Still holding eye contact she brought up her hand and gently wiped my tears before kissing my nose.

"This s a lot to take in Quinn, I want you to know that I think you're beautiful, inside and out. But you see, I can't... this cant… I'm in love with Finn."

"Are you?"

Without letting myself think I crushed my lips against hers, as I felt her lips part against mine, molding them selves together feeling as much pressure from her as I was giving I felt my stomach twist and felt myself prickle right down to my toes, intensely wanting her.

Needing her.

She lifted her and up cupping my jaw, I held my hand against the small of her back, pushing her into me, wanting to feel every line of her body. As I did so I felt her begin to walk against me, pushing me back against the wall, I felt her breath run down my throat as we deepened the kiss.

After an uncountable amount of time she broke away, I watched the shock register on her face; I couldn't just let her go.

I slowly and gently brushed my swollen lips against hers, keeping our hands by our sides this time. I pulled back after a moment and watch her lean towards me, hesitate, think better of it and step back.

I watched as she suddenly burst into tears step backwards again and say

"I'm sorry"

With that she ran from the auditorium.

I slumped against the wall, my head spinning, with tears falling from my own eyes. I looked around at the empty hollow room and curled down against the floor, curling my limbs inwards and letting the sobs take me.

After a while I heard Blaine's gentle voice whisper my name I looked up into his angelic face and let him hold me. Once my sobs began to fade I let him pull me up in his arms and carry me away.

Authors note:

I really really appreciate reviews, opinions and ideas are so welcome. In all honesty they're what make it worth sharing, you've all been so kind so far:)

The song is Justin Bieber-The Thought of You.

From his album Believe: watch?v=duuu6Uoq1o&feature=channel&list=UL

(Even if you hate Bieber I immensely suggest you check out this album, because… GAAAH)


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